Just when you thought I'd quit!

I'm back! Yes it's been forever since I last wrote but now that the new year has arrived I am determined to get back on track.

The holidays were crazy and an emotional roller coaster for me.

Christmas day was always quiet in the morning, unlike the traditional North American family. Santa didn't show up because my parents were immigrants and didn't know any better. I remember many a Christmas eve staring out of my bedroom window hoping that I'd get a glimpse of Santa and that I'd wake up and at least find one thing from Santa under the tree. My parents never bothered telling me outright that he didn't exist and there I was hoping that he'd show up to my house and every year, I'd be disappointed. I used to harbour much guilt about being such a bad kid and that perhaps that's why Santa never showed up at my house but always did at my friends'. Our tree was always bare underneath it until my mother came up with the brilliant idea of wrapping up some boxes to use as "fake gifts" under the tree... ugh... talk about rubbing salt into wounds.

For as long as I can remember Christmas meant that my only relatives that live in Toronto would come over and join us for dinner. My father's eldest brother, wife and 3 kids would all come over to the Christmas feast that my mother had prepared. Every year I would help my mom prepare for the dinner and as years went by my brother and I would take on more and more responsibility and dishes.

Christmas also meant my father would be building his 1 fire in our fireplace - the only fire that we would have all year. My father was a metallurgical engineer, not an outdoorsman and fires were definitely not his forte. Damp wood combined with a not fully opened flue caused the annual smoke out in our living room, where we would then have to open windows to try and air out the house of smoke before our guests showed. While the air was still thick with acrid smoke, the fire blazing in the fireplace, my father, brother and I running around with our winter coats on and my mother rolling her eyes at my father, my father would suggest it was the perfect time to take some photos. He was always an avid photographer and much to my dismay I was usually his favourite subject. In between the burning of my eyes and coughing due to smoke inhalation, I would lay on my tummy in front of the fireplace, throw my winter coat out of the frame and hold my prop book in place and smile for my father. Ah yes, the dutiful daughter.

Once the dinner was ready, our guests would begin to show up. I was usually very excited to see my cousins and quickly usher them in, help hang their coats and lead them into our dining room.

As the years went by there would always be a cousin or two that wasn't there because they were away at school or living in a different city, but there were always some of them. As they got married and had kids, Christmas got livelier and more festive but the one thing that never changed was that our family always hosted.

When PB and I got married and bought our house, hosting duties were transferred to us as we had the space to have sit down dining for the growing brood. I enjoyed getting the house decorated for the holidays and planning the annual feast and seeing all of my relatives all together.

Last year, our Christmas felt odd.....my cousin in law Jeannie had died a few days before Corwin was born and her absence was felt greatly. My younger cousin suggested that we set a spot at the kids table (where she always sat) in memoriam of her. I did so while tears streamed down my face. It was also odd because my father was absent having been paralyzed earlier that year. Christmas was always the time of year my father came back and the whole family was together.

Last year's Christmas made me want to make this year extra special. Also, since Corwin was older now he'd at least be awake and be able to open some presents. Then like dominoes my family started to bail out on Christmas this year. First was my mother in law who decided she would not make the trip from Poland. This would be the first year since PB and I had been together that his mother was not celebrating Christmas with us. Then my cousins in Orillia decided they would go to Ottawa to visit the inlaws (they don't celebrate Christmas themselves because of their religion but have always spent Christmas with us). Then my cousin who lost his wife last year decided he wasn't feeling up to celebrating Christmas so he was going to Ottawa with his brother. Then the last remaining cousin was planning on going to the States for a shopping trip. DURING CHRISTMAS???? That would also mean my uncle wouldn't be coming since none of his kids were coming and my dad wasn't either since he's still paralyzed.

I was shocked. All I had wanted was the same feeling of a large family gathering for Corwin to experience. That same feeling that had resonated in every Christmas since I was a young child - the only thing I really had to look forward to since it wasn't about Santa and getting gifts. I felt sad and then angry that I had spent so many years celebrating Christmas and keeping this tradition going for all of their children and now that they were all older, they didn't see any point in it so they were bailing. What about my kid?? I began to make plans without them - new traditions that we would have with my immediate family that Corwin would experience every year.

As it turns out, my cousin that was going Stateside didn't end up leaving until Boxing Day so she did show up with her family but I have to say the whole thing felt weird.

I have no idea what's going to happen next year, but I'm prepared to have intimate family Christmases from here on in if my extended family doesn't want to celebrate anymore. The Christmas spirit will live on in my house, PB will build us non smoking fires and Santa will show up for Corwin.

Happy New Year everyone and I'll see you around much more!